they only want you when you don’t want them

Today I teared up talking to a church friend about my past.
It was about my depression during the interval between 10th and 11th grade.
I remember being numb.
Numb.
To everything around me.
I was walking in the subway and thought about how it would feel to end it all.
I didn’t think about the consequences.
Heaven.
Hell.
These seemed trivial to me during the time.
I had single-handedly lost all my friends.
I lost the first love of my life.
I couldn’t count on one single family member.
I was truly alone.
How easy would it be to just wait for a passing train…
How easy would it be to jump, feel a rush of pain, and leave my body to rot?
Was God there?
Was He looking at me?
Wasn’t He the one who made my life a living Hell?
Why, God? What had I possible done to turn out this way?
I stepped onto the yellow line.
One or two more steps, and I would’ve been at the edge.
I could’ve ended it all.

But this is where God comes in.
The train was finally coming.
I don’t remember what went on in my head,
probably nothing.
I don’t remember if I cried,
all I remember was blaming God for everything that was going on.
And just as I was seconds away from jumping,
a woman tapped me.
A woman.
Who I did not know.
Tapped me.
On the shoulder.
Grabbed my arm with her two hands,
and hauled me back into the dirty chairs of the subway.

You know what amazes me is that throughout my life, I thought the three words that were the most powerful were “I love you.”
But that wasn’t the case for me.
The three words that changed my life were “Don’t do it.”
That’s what she said.
Looking at me.
“Don’t do it.”
This stranger, who I didn’t even know said, “Don’t do it.”
It’s like God was sending a guardian angel to prove to me that life was worth living.
She told me about how her husband committed suicide the same way. 
She told me about how she paroled around the subway, hauling back people who she thought were about to commit suicide.
This woman, who nobody knew, saved many lives.
Don’t. Do. It.
Wow.
The impact of those words changed my life.
And now I realize, life is the greatest gift anyone could receive.
It is also the greatest gift anyone could take away.

I teared up while telling this story to Grace, my church friend.
A lot has happened since then.
My life was saved.
By the ultimate power of God, I had been shown that humanity existed.
That I wasn’t alone.

Don’t do it.
Who knows how many lives that woman is saving?
Who knew three words could have changed my life?

thought you were cute
enlarged the pic
oh my gosh NO 

honestly speaking, you have to either be successful or good looking to prosper in life. i’m in none of those categories so i might as well just die.